Halloween Capers
by HyperCaz
Summary: Atlantis' Halloween party was never going to be normal. Exploding plant life and a Czech's special concoction saw to that... Humour!fic finished at last!
1. Spontaneous Combustion

Disclaimer: Anything you reconise is not mine.

AN: Set after The Return Pt 1. Any loss of sanity is not my fault. Multichaptered fic.

* * *

The night of the Halloween party for Atlantis personnel was one that would be remembered in rumour mills far and wide across the universe. It was theorised that if a Wraith had attempted to enter the city that fateful night, they would have run screaming towards the nearest therapist. For what transpired was so terrifying it would cling to memories like a hypochondriac scientist clings to his power bars.

Simply put, the truth came out – and everyone knows that the truth is far more terrifying than a horror film.

This story begins with a pumpkin, as all good stories do.

* * *

On the morning of the great shindig, Teyla placed the all hallowed vegetable onto the expedition leader's desk, the movement watched reverently by two of her team mates. There was an expectant hush that Colonel Sheppard broke, saying enthusiastically,

"The planet has loads of them. And they taste like pumpkin too."

"It is procedure to have foreign substances tested," Elizabeth reminded him, but even she could hardly contain a smile.

A recent memo relayed from Stargate Command – which was supposed to be a carefully guarded secret – revealed that the _Daedalus_ was unable to bring pumpkins. At this news, all the lab rats on the base had spontaneously combusted, or so the rumour went. It had been suspected that it was some molecular experiment gone wrong, but no one would own up to it.

"Where's Ronon?" Weir asked after a few moments of inspecting the pumpkin.

John shifted uneasily. It was his Athosian companion that supplied,

"He wished to learn more of pumpkin carving. A scientist offered to demonstrate with a few of those which we brought back from the planet."

"Oh, ok."

Elizabeth was relieved. She kept expecting some sort of disaster. It was Halloween, after all. Bad things always happen when people dress up as ghosts and vampires.

"However…" Teyla continued, "The pumpkin Ronon was carving did not stay intact."

John nodded quickly,

"Yeah it spontaneously combusted. Splat! All over him. I gave him some time to get cleaned off but I think he just needs the space. He took it kind of hard."

All the way over in the Milky Way Galaxy, an unfortunate prior met an untimely doom as an unseen force exploded his innards all over a much confused gaggle of Earthlings. And so the Spontaneous Combustion Curse continued its path of destruction as well as its tendency to plaster surrounding environments in body parts.

* * *

The carved pumpkins would have muttered uneasily amongst themselves if they were sentient. As it is, they were not, but any botanically classified fruit commonly mistaken for a vegetable can be allowed to be nervous when its brethren have been exploding all afternoon.

Rodney McKay burst into the party venue (the mess hall decked out in orange streamers and the orange insides of unfortunate pumpkins) and dramatically whipped his purple cape around himself. He tipped his ridiculously large hat, declaring,

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the lemon Skittle on your birthday cake! I am – Darkwing Duck!"

Except there was no one to see this glorious entrance. Rodney glanced around and grumbled that all his great efforts had to gone to waste. He hid amongst the pumpkins and couldn't help but feel that they were laughing at him. He scowled. The universe was definitely cruel to him for that moment Radek walked in.

"Hiding already, McKay?" The Czech sniggered, "I have cure for that."

He was rolling two large kegs of…something that bore the unmistakeable stench of spirits capable of knocking out an elephant. That wasn't the surprising thing. Zelenka was decked out in a bunny suit and his nose was twitching quite freely. Rodney spat,

"Look, Dr Fumbles _McBunny_, I'll have you know that my costume is far more interesting than yours."

" Elizabeth ought to lock you up for wearing ridiculous outfit," Radek responded calmly.

Zelenka then carefully arranged his brew so that the taps hung over punch bowls riddled with cracks and chips. He hummed one of those Mr Cottontail songs as he did so, rubbing his hands together gleefully. This was to be the final thing that sent Atlantis over the edge. An old Czech recipe for Radek's special spooky punch!

* * *

The mess started filling up with an array of colourful characters – but none so colourful as Rodney's. The scientist was beginning to get twitchy by the amount of giggles directed at him. One particular party goer, hiding behind a white sheet with holes for the eyes, pointed and laughed themselves silly.

"And what are you?" demanded Rodney, affronted.

"I am the ghost of James Bond," the sheet replied wisely in a flawless English accent.

Shrill laughter bounced over from the buffet table – the source was Katie Brown, dressed in a golden gown that could only be representing Belle from that – that – puerile animation called _Beauty and the Beast_! Rodney's lip twisted. Of course, he had no idea that if this writer had been there she would have slapped him for such thoughts.

The punch had already warmed many faces, loosened many tongues and caused Lorne to see what would happen if he tried to punch through the wall. Rodney had almost made it to the door to escape when John Sheppard appeared – or rather crashed into him at top speed on a skateboard.

"Are you wearing a life vest?" Rodney exclaimed.

The Colonel drew himself up and snapped,

"No! It's a jacket without sleeves! And it's part of my costume. I'm Marty McFly!"

This was all too much for Rodney who whimpered at the very thought of the events in a highly incorrect movie in the matters of science. Seeing the horrified expression flitting across his team mate's face, John whispered,

"I am the guy who travels through time! I am the Delorean in your past and future! I am from _Back to the Future_!"

"Could you two tone down the testosterone slugging match please?" Elizabeth asked as she entered the room.

She wore a white dress and her hair was pinned up in what Rodney though looked like cinnamon Chelsea Buns. Mmm cinnamon Chelsea Buns. He cleared his throat,

"You're um…Princess Vespa?"

"Princess Leia, actually."

"Ah, right."

Rodney flushed and slunk off towards the punch. Maybe it _would_ solve allllll his problems. He'd just sculled a whole pint when he slammed into something very solid and dressed up like a vampire, complete with fangs. Except this couldn't be an authentic vampire get up because the party goer was wearing a kilt.

" Carson, vampires don't wear kilts," the scientist grumbled.

Dr Beckett ignored that comment and asked,

"Have you seen my wee baby turtles? I lost them again."

_That's not all you've lost_, Rodney thought, mentally sniggering. He shrugged and was saved from any more griping on his part when his headset, hidden inside his wide brimmed hat, beeped. He tapped it,

"What?"

"There's an energy spike somewhere in the city," Chuck the technician informed him, "I don't know where from but a portable radiation scanner should pick it up."

Somewhere in Rodney's brain, a reasonable voice argued 'what the hell? If a portable scanner picks it up, can't Sparky?'

'Don't call me Sparky,' another voice growled in his head, 'My name is Chuck.'

"AHHHH I'm on it," Rodney cried out loud and ran off to Elizabeth.

He explained the situation in a mishmash of syllables, syntax errors and for some reason kept mentioning power bars. Luckily, Elizabeth was aided in translation by the fact that she'd also had some of that wildly entertaining spooky punch. She nodded and agreed,

"Let's blow this joint."

At that point, a gaggle of unimpressed marines from the _Daedalus _arrived, finally being released from trying to find Caldwell's missing fluffy slippers. None were wearing costume but they all bore grimaces. One such one was Laura Cadman who would have rather been blowing up her neighbour's cat. But that's another story.

She strode purposefully towards Carson (that whole goodbye thing had been slightly unpleasant) with the intention to get whatever it was over with. She paused. She stared. And at last, she managed,

"Interesting…ah…ensemble."

"Like it, lass?"

"Look, Carson, the only reason I hopped on the _Daedalus _to come hereagain was because you said there was an emergency."

"Emergency?" Teyla inquired from off to the side, "Are you referring to the Spontaneous Combustion Curse?"

Both Carson and Laura stared at her blankly. It was barely less than two seconds later when Beckett steered his ex-girlfriend away from the Athosian (there was a slightly manic twist to her innocent smile) and suggested,

"Why don't we find a quiet place to talk?"

Those two had barely left the room when the assorted plates on the buffet table started clattering loudly. Oma Desala materialised out of the wall and floated down next to Zelenka who was swigging some of his own concoction. She roved her eyes over his costume and purred,

"I love bunnies."

"Y-You're an Ancient!" Radek spluttered.

"Correct. I am Oma Desala."

Something clicked in Zelenka's memory. He frowned,

"But you disappeared."

"I came here!" The glowing lady said brightly, "And I want a bunny for my collection."

She squeezed his glued-on tail. The Czech squeaked and ran.

A pumpkin exploded unhappily.

* * *

Things are going to get a whole lot weirder next chapter and that's a promise.


	2. The Shippy Shippy Shake

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.

AN: Dedicated to the cheerful bunch at mcweirdotcom for the use of the official "shippy shippy shake" emoticon.

2AN: I am Australian and the mentions are not meant to offend any of my fellow country peeps.

Ship warning: Beckett/Cadman and Zelenka/Oma

* * *

It is generally known that quiet places are a rare commodity on Atlantis, due to the communication systems. The memory of Rodney's crooning of "Sex Bomb" echoing throughout the city because of a faulty off switch had surfaced in Colonel Sheppard's jokes for months.

Somewhat remarkably, a quiet place was found in which our next scene will take place. Minus the fluff floating everywhere in the room (perhaps a pillow had spontaneously combusted?), it appeared completely normal. Further inspection would have revealed a more adventurous Atlantean's pair of hand cuffs under the squishy lounge chair.

"Alright, spill," Laura demanded.

Carson absently poked one of his fangs. Except that it didn't bend like plastic and shone like a scientist's arse in the moonlight (a simile coined by John Sheppard about someone else's pearly whites – who, I cannot say). He announced happily,

"I'm a vampire."

She snorted. But there was a scary, scary gleam that came into Carson's eyes, not unlike the look a stalking Ancient got (poor, poor Zelenka). Laura felt her skin prickle and gulped. Luckily, any sort of awkward line of questioning was interrupted by something that sounded much scarier.

"Aroooo!" The howl tore through the walls, making the hand cuffs under the chair to chink quietly.

"Not to worry, love, I'm sure that's just Teyla."

"WHAT?"

Carson explained patiently,

"'Athosia' in their language means 'werewolves'. If Colonel Sheppard had bothered to ask, we could have avoided this fine mess."

At that precise moment, a Czech scientist ran past in the corridor letting off a string of expletives in his language. Laura wasn't sure she wanted to poke her head out and ask. She also didn't want to risk her ex-boyfriend suddenly swooping on her and biting her neck. Not that she ever expected sweet natured Carson Beckett to have a severe case of bloodlust.

Speaking of which…

The doctor's stomach growled. He grinned sheepishly,

"I'm a bit hungry, lass, sorry."

"No no no! You are not sucking my blood! You did not make me come all the way back to this galaxy to feast off me!" Laura snapped, sense coming back to her as Zelenka's swearing disappeared into the distance.

Carson flicked a hand and the door made a clicking sound that suspiciously resembled being locked. He told her sweetly,

"No, I did not ask you to return so that I could kill you. Laura my dear…I knew I loved you the moment I found out your blood type was AB negative. Would you do me the honour of becoming my immortal mate?"

Ok, not exactly what she was expecting but not new to her thoughts either. There were several ways to deal with this. Logically, immortal life would be a very boring thing after a long time (especially when McKay died – who would she taunt then?) but if said immortal life involved kinky vampire sex…there was just one thing left to make sure of. Laura asked carefully,

"Do I get to name one of the baby turtles?"

"Of course, love."

"Then…" Well that was cool. She grinned, "Yeah!"

* * *

Back at the party, the constantly spotted but never spoken to Australian members of the team got their hands on the sound system. It still mystified some to see their flag patch around and the strange Australians had taken to beating up anyone who made cracks about sheep. Not because the sheep was an insult, it was because the sheep jokes confused their flag patch with the New Zealand.

"The Shippy Shippy Shake!" One Australian (henceforth known as Caz) beamed proudly.

John Sheppard certainly was going to stand for this. He snapped,

"It's the _hippy_ _hippy_ shake. And can't you put the Nutbush on or something?"

"No one asked you, McFly!" Caz shot from atop a swaying speaker, "We will see to it that you have converted to The Shippy Shippy Shake by the time all the weird stuff ends!"

John let out a pained screamed and dived under the buffet table for cover. He frantically looked for his radio to call Ronon (who had refused to turn up due to the vulgarity of his borrowed costume) but someone must have stolen it! He covered his ears and rocked backwards and forwards.

Why had everyone sculled the special spooky punch? It was turning them all into rabid shippers!

* * *

Radek Zelenka was running for his life and his loins. He'd never been so freaked out in his life and knew at once that he should have listened to the hologram of Atlantis. Never, _ever_ get yourself involved in Ancient kink – intentionally or not!

Aha! There was hope! He spied Ronon Dex up ahead in the corridor and immediately scurried to the safety of the dreadlocks. Radek tried to ignore Ronon's costume (consisting of a Hawaiian t-shirt) because it made him feel uneasy. Almost as uneasy as being chased by a lusty Ancient. Radek burst out breathlessly,

"You must help me! A crazy dead woman wants to make babies with me!"

"Commitment, mmm, that's deadly," Ronon agreed.

Just then Oma Desala caught up to her quarry.

"Coming to get you, BUNNY BOY!"

Radek screamed and tried to hide behind Ronon. The former runner eyed the advancing Ancient, weighing up his options. Protecting the scientist who'd once tried to snip off a dreadlock for some concoction OR protecting himself from Oma who had started brandishing fireballs.

"He's all yours," Ronon announced, stepping aside.

Oma favoured him with a smile and cooed,

"Aren't you a sweetie? Would you like me to give you something in return?"

Ronon thought very hard and long about this. What could possibly be worth the life of a scientist from some odd country on Earth? He grinned wickedly. Oh yes. That would be wonderful. He replied firmly,

"I want a pumpkin that won't blow up. Right now."

"_Ne_ Ronon!" Radek pleaded, "She will kill me."

The Ancient giggled,

"Kill you, Bunny Boy? Why would I want to do that? I want to MULTIPLY with you!"

The pumpkin appeared in a puff of orange smoke. Ronon Dex cheerfully gathered the special vegetable in his arms and, stroking it tenderly, disappeared down the corridor. This left Zelenka in a very vulnerable position. He cowered before the advancing fiend, managing in a weak voice,

"Ah…I do not share your feelings. I'm…celibate."

"Kneel!" Commanded Oma.

"In your dreams, you crazy Ancient."

Radek had really been trying not to aggravate her but it was all too much. Although, once he'd said those words he instantly regretted it. She glowered and her cute waitress uniform tore itself to shreds, revealing a threatening ensemble of tight black leather. She also seemed to be carrying the Book of Origin.

"My bunny…" Oma whispered dangerously, "…will feel the retribution of the Ori. And then, when you are beaten, I will produce your offspring."

Zelenka gulped. This was bad. This was very, very bad. She raised one hand, reigniting a fireball. She laughed manically and threw it straight at him. The Czech tried to run but –

"Resistance is useless!" The crazy Ancient shrieked.

Radek caught the fireball in his stomach. It didn't burn but it did make him wheeze. He had the misfortunate of feeling very queasy – right before he sprouted real fluffy ears and a white puff of a tail. He screamed and hopped down the corridor. Oma watched him go. She sighed happily,

"He'll be back."

* * *

Someone tried to get poor Ronon into _North_ _Shore _garb I'm sure. Hehe. (_authoress dances to The Shippy Shippy Shake_)


	3. Flux Capacitor

Disclaimer: One day. Maybe. But what you recognise is not mine.

Ship warning: some mcweir, apologies to non-mcweirs. No more ship after this chapter - I rephrase, no popular ships after this chapter.

* * *

The energy spike led Elizabeth and Rodney directly to a disused unisex Ancient bathroom, located at the very top of the tower. The first thought that crossed both of their minds was that they'd never seen this many public toilets with privacy screens in the entire city. Rodney glanced around and grumbled,

"I don't see anything that could give off that amount of radiation, unless you count Colonel Sheppard's last rectal deposit."

"Beware of the leopard," Elizabeth piped up, tapping the left brunette bun thoughtfully.

"What are you talking about?"

She pointed to the sign on one of the lavatory doors. Etched into the chrome shielding were the words "_Beware of the Leopard_" complete with a diagram of the mentioned animal. The words were signed by someone with the initials DNA. The energy detector in Rodney's palm hummed insistently when placed near the door.

They glanced at each other. It was now or never. Elizabeth kicked the door in and immediately they shielded their eyes. A strange device was glowing strangely on the back wall of the cubicle. Rodney gasped.

"It's…" He paused, disbelieving. "It's a flux capacitor!"

Elizabeth asked curiously,

"What's it doing?"

"Fluxing!"

"I can see that," she snorted, rolling her eyes.

"You know I never believed it was possible for one to exist. I mean, _Back to the Future_ is highly improbable and ridiculous."

(At that moment, though they didn't know it, the _Heart of Gold_ was silently cruising through the system. The Improbability Drive had been regrettably turned on by a descendant of apes who was craving tea.)

"Oh those movies…" Elizabeth's eyes widened and she exclaimed, "A time machine?!"

At that moment, the toilet facility began to shake uncontrollably. The water in the toilet of this particular cubicle bubbled violently and turned the fetching colour of blood. A man shaped object (which happened to be a man) shot out of the flux capacitor.

Elizabeth chanced in shock,

"Janus?"

* * *

By the time the crazy Australians had brainwashed the dancers into performing the Spoiler Wave (a devastating dance routine for some of the sensible spoilerphobes of Atlantis), John Sheppard had managed to dart into the corridor outside the mess hall. It wasn't as bad as that confusing ship shake thing, but a man had to preserve his sanity and who but a spoiler addict can refute that?

He had barely gone a few metres when he met a small, chubby dork dressed up as Elmer Fudd. John opened his mouth to order the strange person to step aside but they held up a hand and hissed,

"Shhh, be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting werewabbits."

"Were-Rabbit," Sheppard corrected impatiently, "There's a dash in there and it's an R for rabbit."

Elmer Fudd pointed ahead and shrieked something that sounded suspiciously like 'there's Klingons on the starboard bow!' Until that moment, John had never believed in the downright strange or he'd never believed that Zelenka's concoction could cause such hallucinations – in fact, he wasn't sure exactly which of these were true.

A man-rabbit sprinted past them, throwing garbled pleas for what could only be guessed as help. Of course, we know it's Czech but the Colonel was tuning it out because he believed it to be a figment of his weirded out imagination.

"I think I'm going to sober up," John muttered, heading away from the creepy Elmer Fudd fan.

The chubby man shook his head and was again tracking the Zelenka-turned-Were-Rabbit in nanoseconds.

* * *

High up in the lavatory spire, the Ancient known as Janus clapped his hands together. He giggled happily as he balanced precariously on the lavatory and slicked back his hair, which looked suspiciously like a mullet. He cleared his throat and pointed at an odd number on the wall – this particular graffiti had gone unnoticed by Elizabeth, Rodney and even the writer until now.

"Ahh, my dear princess and duck," Janus explained the numbers wistfully, "That was the day I invented time travel. I was dancing on one of the tables in what you would call the mess hall when someone threw a canister of alcohol at me. I woke up under the table without my clothes and next to a goat and that's when I knew. The flux capacitor!"

"I'm getting a historical documents moment," Rodney whispered loudly to Elizabeth.

Janus looked delighted. He noted jovially, along with a very scary grin,

"You have met the Thermians!"

McKay's eyes widened. He pinched himself. Still awake. He pinched Elizabeth. She glared. Ok so they were both awake.

"Elizabeth," he muttered, "What did Dr Fumbles McBunny say that punch was?"

"His special spooky punch," she supplied, eyes darting between the only exit and the nearest weapon (coincidentally a block of Kryptonite).

Rodney nodded sagely,

"Feels like college all over again."

Elizabeth eyed him sceptically and decided she could pinch him back. She drawled,

"Am I to believe you passed the dutchie at college?"

"Contrary to popular belief, I have a wild side," sniffed Rodney.

"You're lying."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because I was in the room across from yours on campus and you never touched the stuff."

"You knew me from college?"

Janus was staring at both of them with wild eyes then he shrieked,

"Pay attention to me!"

But right then the head scientist of Atlantis was trying to interrogate more information out of Elizabeth Weir on her stalking habits in college. Maybe it was the punch, maybe it was the fact that mullets are no longer appreciated as they should be, but this snubbing was taken hard by the visiting time traveller.

"Pay attention to your god!" Janus howled.

"Eh?" Said Rodney, throwing a perfectly executed scientist gesture – such an elaborate gesture was mastered by only the most genius people in the universe and was extremely deadly to be on the receiving end of.

Somehow in the midst of this, Rodney hit the flush button.

Janus, screaming and clawing at the air, disappeared down, down, down into the toilet bowl and then to the u-bend which then began dumping him through the pipes. Elizabeth shook her head and sighed,

"I thought we talked about you causing untimely demises for people and/or solar systems."

Rodney pouted,

"Are you going to yell at me?"

"No," she laughed, "Maybe it's the punch talking, but I want to tear off all of your clothes."

" Elizabeth!" He cried.

She raised her eyebrows. He amended hastily,

"It's too cold in here."

"We'll go to my quarters then."

"But – but – you don't want to sleep with Darkwing Duck."

"As a matter of fact, I've always had crushes on Darkwing Duck _and_ Rodney McKay. Now the question remains – do you want to have sex with Princess Leia?"

Rodney grinned goofily.

And far below the spire, Kavanaugh's Megavolt costume caught onto a strange blinking Ancient device, which then blasted the much detested scientist with electricy. He shrieked and bounced away, hair standing higher than any man's gelled attempts – including Dr Beckett's and Colonel Sheppard's. And that, my friends, is an achievement.

* * *

AN: Just so you know, I am a spoiler addict and spoilerphobe by turn so I hope I didn't offend anyone there. I won't get this finished for Halloween, sorry, but if I get enough reviews the next chapter will be up by Halloween night (that chapter IS finished).


	4. Jamawitt

Disclaimer: Alas my purse has nothing but cobwebs. I don't even own that sentence.

AN: I'm in a really good mood so here's the next chapter. YAY! Thank you to anyone reading this who voted for my fic _Pillow Talk _in the Stargate Fan Awards. It's the Best Romantic Story for McKay/Weir.

* * *

Chuck the technician avoided parties for one good reason. It was the risk that someone would discover his true name, hence his true identity, that kept him away. So he was sitting in the control room all by himself and praying that something exciting would happen to the Stargate. Never mind that half the city seemed to be drunk. It would still be good fun if some Wraith showed up.

Katie Brown flounced into the control room, waving two very large tankards of what looked suspiciously like Zelenka's infamous punch. She draped herself over Chuck's laptop and grinned at him. She announced,

"Chemishtry may not be my thing but I'm a botanisht and you're growing on me."

One strap of her golden ball gown slipped down her shoulder, revealing more cleavage than Chuck was prepared for. Wasn't this the shy Katie Brown? And why had he grown on her?

"Help!" Cried a voice from the wall.

Chuck turned his head towards the wall and muttered,

"What the…"

"I'm stuck in the pipes!" The voice continued, "Darkwing Duck flushed me down the toilet!"

The technician, glad to have some distraction from his visitor, hurried over to where he thought the sound was coming from. He asked as professionally as one could when watching Katie's second strap slide down,

"Who is this?"

"I'm Janus."

"Who?" Chuck demanded.

The disembodied Ancient heaved a sigh and thumped the pipe surrounding him until the echoing booms made Chuck's eardrums throb. The aggrieved Janus said imperiously,

"I am Janus the All Mighty Ancient Who Invited Time Travel!"

Chuck reached for a notepad and a pen, inquiring,

"Can that be abbreviated to JAMAWITT?"

"HAHAHA Jama Witt!" Katie Brown giggled in the background.

Chuck stared at her. She implored, bending over so that she nearly popped out of the dress,

"I'm sure you'd find it funny too if you had some of this spooky punch."

Chuck looked at the wall. He looked at Katie. He did what any smart red blooded male would have done. He took one of the proffered tankards of punch and slung an arm around her shoulders.

* * *

A short interlude while we give my new pairing some privacy. 

Ronon Dex sang lullabies to his new love as he stood on a romantic balcony. The pumpkin lapped up the attention and took on a very healthy sheen. The Satedan knew then that there would be no other in his life than his non-exploding pumpkin. The Spontaneous Combustion Curse had lifted from this fanfiction and therefore from his precioussss.

But his romantic bliss was to last no more.

"Aroooooooo!" Howled Teyla as she bounded down the corridor, fully transformed into a she-wolf.

Ronon was used to hearing such weird sounds from Athosians so completely blocked out the sound as he continued crooning. A fatal mistake. Sniffing on the wind, Teyla discovered the tempting smell of – PUMPKIN!

She started running to the balcony, snout wriggling in delight. Upon discovering her team mate cradling the vegetable, she slowed. Teyla knew he would not give up the prize easily. Sauntering onto the balcony, she began innocently,

"Are you not joining in the festivities, Ronon?"

"I believe I've had my share of this strange custom," Dex declared, "And this is my share."

Mmm. Pumpkin. Teyla could restrain herself no longer – the clouds had parted, revealing the full moon. She lunged for Ronon's love. Unfortunately, the ensuing tussle knocked the non-exploding pumpkin off the balcony. Down, down, down it fell until it splattered on the balcony below.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ronon cried.

He turned to glare at Teyla. No Wraith had ever inflicted such pain on him. The Athosian, sensing that he was about to explode into fury, turned and ran. Ronon cracked his knuckles.

* * *

Chuck couldn't remember how he became shirtless. He knew he should have been doing something responsible, something that didn't involve a good snogging session on top of the controls. A laptop or two clattered to the floor in their…erm…excitement. At that point, our favourite Canadian technician remembered one of his very vital jobs. 

He tapped his headset and announced to Caldwell on the other end,

"Jama Witt is stuck in the pipes."

"Who?" Demanded the Colonel who, in Chuck's opinion, sounded like he hadn't had enough punch or, alternatively, was being a bore in his Atlantis office and wearing his fluffy slippers.

"I don't know. I think he said he was a time traveller."

"Does he know what the time is?"

"No clue. Can I go back to snogging now?"

"As you were, technician."

Chuck grinned at the botanist lying on top of him. But Katie was looking at the Stargate. She commented,

"There's an unscheduled offworld activation."

They both watched the unshielded event horizon with interest. And then the visitor stepped through. Aiden Ford dusted off his black clothes and cleaned his lightsaber hilt on the Handkerchief of Doom. Chuck waved.

"What is wrong with everyone?" Demanded John Sheppard as he burst into gate room, drawn by the unscheduled activation alarms.

He froze when he saw Ford. Ok. Someone wasn't doing their job here and it was probably due to a snogging pair of idiots in the control room who accidentally disabled the shield. John frowned,

"What are you doing here, Ford?"

Aiden stared at him. He replied as though it was obvious,

"I didn't get an invitation to the Halloween party so I thought I'd just turn up. I'm in costume. I'm Anakin Skywalker."

"We don't invite junkies to Halloween parties!" John shot at his former team mate and almost kicked himself.

Had his attempts at sobering up failed? Was he going mad? He fumbled for his pistol, only to discover a carrot in his holster. Regardless, he held the innocent vegetable up and made loading noises with his mouth. Ford's eyebrows shot up. Sheppard continued crossly,

"And for your information, Ford, the black stuff is Luke Skywalker's. If you wanted Anakin, you'd wear a dark brown Jedi tunic!"

"Geek!" Laughed Katie and Chuck.

He was supposed to be taking this enzyme junkie into custody, not debating the finer points of the _Star Wars _universe. AHH! What was in that punch? Aiden glanced down at his costume and sniffed,

"Fine. I'm Luke Skywalker. Happy now, Major?"

"Colonel!" John corrected, waving the carrot.

Ford shrugged,

"Whatever. My lightsaber will tear through your carrot like tissue paper."

Sheppard snorted,

"Yeah and I finished _War and Peace_."

Ford activated his lightsaber. Yes. It was real. And it was red.

"I have a bad feeling about this," John muttered and bolted.

The Canadian technician suggested airily,

"Lieutenant Ford, you should try the punch."

* * *

I think I should finish this fic shortly so one more chapter! 

Oh and after writing this, I've become a Katie/Chuck shipper. Weird.


	5. Certain Recompense

Disclaimer: Yadda ignore this line as usual.

AN: At last! It is finished! I'm sorry if it seems rushed and crammed but I figured this fic could only stand one more chapter (slow update and lack of response issues) but here it is…oh I know I said there wouldn't be any more organised ship but sadly there must be a ship warning.

**Ship warning**: brief sheyla, mentions of mcweir & beckett/cadman

(_clears throat_) And now for the conclusion…

* * *

All things must come to an end, including the good, the bad, and the downright insane. The night was no longer as young as it had been and the lolly, candy, chocolate, whatever supply was looking extremely poor by now. Of course, there would still be enough to last the rest of the night.

You don't put Rodney McKay in charge of ordering sweets for nothing, right? Now I must step aside and give Ford some much needed fictime as airtime is limited. Poor guy.

"Dudes!" Luke Skywalker announced as he entered the mess hall.

A few able bodied souls waved. Ford shook his head,

"Dudes, I am disgusted. Weight Wraithers would have a field day with you."

"Weight Wraithers?" Snorted the ghost of James Bond.

Aiden rolled his eyes,

"Yes, like Weight Watchers. Now am I going to have to put you all on a diet?"

Everyone exchanged nervous glances. This is not what one would expect from a weirdo hopped up on enzyme. Of course, the only real hopping going on was in a secluded part of the city but I'm not going to elaborate for the sake of ratings. Ford bounced over to the last remaining bowl of sweets and threw them out the window.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Howled the ghost of James Bond, echoed across the universe, joined by those realising they were out of Halloween treats.

It is common knowledge that chocolate addicts are far, far more deadly when cornered than enzyme addicts. Even though Ford was fairly strong even he was backing away from the sea of dilated pupils approaching him.

"The first hour's usually the hardest…" Aiden considered and sprinted away.

* * *

"I'll meet your two chocolate cashews and raise you four. I've got a good hand tonight," bluffed a man wearing only a chiselled military expression and fluffy pink – yes I reveal now they are pink – slippers.

Hermiod chuckled deviously, well as deviously as an Asgard can do when they've lost the first few rounds of reverse strip poker. He informed his competitor flatly,

"That is most unwise, Colonel Caldwell."

Scowling at his cards, the _Daedalus_' commander failed to see the wink the Asgard directed at his grinning girlfriend who was sitting behind Caldwell. Novak cleared her throat,

"Can I get you two more chocolate cashews?"

* * *

John Sheppard didn't know how he'd ended up with a carrot instead of a gun. There seemed to be one memory involving a battle with a pumpkin he'd offended by addressing as a vegetable instead of a fruit, but even that had a haze of uncertainty to it.

He ran.

Ford ran.

They ran.

Smack bang.

"You!" John growled.

Ford smiled in a manner not entirely similar to how a Kelownan eyes up a banana. He leered,

"Eheb ut setna."

"Uh huh," Sheppard said to this, clearly unimpressed, "Well I have something to tell _you_ Ford. I'm a wizard!"

He brandished the carrot, cackling as it lengthened and shimmered into an activated blue lightsaber. John grinned in that same infuriating way that seemed to appease the many Sheppard fangirls.

"I see your carrot is as big as mine," Ford noted calmly, "We have no option other than to fight."

They may well have slain each other had not at that precise moment Teyla the she-wolf came bounding around the corner and howled hungrily at them.

"Great Scott!"

"I know, Colonel, this is heavy. Fight you another time?"

"Sure, Ford. Don't forget to send a Christmas card."

Both men bolted in different directions from each other. Teyla shook her head and muttered under her breath,

"Men!"

After some consideration – choosing between the smell of unexploded pumpkins and the smell of a human is somewhat difficult after all – the Athosian ran after John growling the customary mating call.

Sheppard tried running faster. After looking back at his pursuer, he decided there could be nothing disastrously wrong with running _towards_ the ah…bundle of fur…or bundle of sex or whatever Teyla had turned into. He slicked his hair with some back up gel he kept in his pocket.

"So this thing about dating team members," he began but didn't get to say anything else for the duration of the night.

* * *

Atlantis found that eternal night didn't really suit it and didn't try to escape sunrise. The plight, it seemed, was over and now it was safe for all Wraith, Genii and innocent pumpkins to cross the gate room threshold. But the day would be forever marked in calendars with pictures of scenery, forever feared. Halloween was not to be meddled with.

A few of the survivors (that is, conveniently more popular characters minus Zelenka for unknown reasons) clustered in Elizabeth's office all looking somewhat pained.

"I think we should forget last night ever happened," John suggested, rubbing his eyes wearily.

Ronon growled from his position on the floor,

"What last night?"

"Good man."

"You are in need of mourning, Ronon," Teyla pointed out, one corner of her lips lifting, "And John, if I may say so, I would not like to forget last night."

The Colonel tugged on the collar of his jacket uncomfortably. Adding to this female conspiracy, Elizabeth chuckled,

"I would rather like to keep the image of Janus disappearing down the toilet in my head."

"Hallucinations," decided John.

There was no way a carrot could become a lightsaber, no matter how much he harboured a secret desire to be either Luke Skywalker or Harry Potter (shh tell no one).

"Right, sure, hallucinations," Laura nodded solemnly.

But there was a mischievous twinkle in her eyes and she seemed intent on exploring Carson's neck. Thus with this mysterious Halloween night explained away as Sheppard's delusions, the meeting was adjourned.

Despite all attempts at escaping one Athosian, John Sheppard was later to insist that even though 99 of that night had been hallucination, the rather insatiable she-wolf was as real as real could be…meanwhile, Rodney and Elizabeth exchanged goofy grins and knew exactly what they'd be doing with Elizabeth's replica costume of the Princess Leia slave outfit that night.

Yet that is another story. When they had gone, including a suggestively winking Dr McKay, gracing the office with much needed silence (ahh that blissful thing to soothe all hangovers), Atlantis' leader decided such a recreational night would never need to be communicated to anyone back on Earth.

"It could have been an interesting report…" Weir mused to herself, "Atlantis compromised by special spooky punch, mythical creatures..."

"Dr Weir?" A meek voice asked from the doorway.

"Come in, Radek."

Elizabeth regarded his two front teeth carefully for a moment and wondered if they'd been that large previously. The Czech scientist wrung his hands anxiously and managed to admit in a rush,

"I may have done something foolish last night."

Elizabeth snorted, a clash of only half believable memories flying past her inner eye. She pointed out practically,

"You aren't alone."

"_Ano_, but Dr Weir…" Zelenka mumbled, "I think I impregnated an Ancient."

At first, only silence filled the office. Then Dr Weir smiled and nodded as one memory paused long enough for her to examine it. She shuffled her papers, now considerably less concerned than she had been, and mused,

"Ah. I thought she was chasing you. She obviously caught you then."

"Not really…"

Two of Elizabeth's eyebrows rose in perfect unison.

"The chasing was not without certain recompense," Radek elaborated.

The expedition leader herself had experience with _that_ sort of recompense and settled for an understanding nod. She pointed out,

"You do realise, Radek, that all this is your fault."

The scientist shrugged apologetically and then proceeded to ask if it was alright for his…girlfriend…to float about the city for a while. Elizabeth could hardly deny that request – it was more sensible than John's request for his gun back from the kitchen.

For the next few hours, nothing disturbed Dr Weir's sanctum – unless you count Katie Brown's inexplicable shriek: "what do you mean your real name is Duncan MacLeod!?"

* * *

This story ends with baby turtles, as all good stories do.

One baby turtle rolled commando style from behind a lab bench. It held up one limb and shook it. The gesture meant _all clear_. Three other baby turtles appeared from their hiding spot, all sporting miniature hockey masks. Their hiding spot had provided a haven from the insanity of the humans.

A hunched figure adorned in a lab coat turned towards them, immediately withdrawing attention from any other activities.

"Was the mission successful, lads?"

The leader squeaked an affirmative. They were the elite of the elite, the baby mutant ninja turtles and they never failed a mission. Extremely profitable for their master, or rather extremely unfortunate for Atlantis, Operation Big Brother had been pulled off without a hitch. And it was just good luck on Carson Beckett's part that the hidden cameras had been installed before the madness began.

The vampire smiled.

Meanwhile in the Milky Way Galaxy…

…a prior grumbled "oh no, not again" and then without further ado spontaneously combusted.

* * *

AN: So it is finished belatedly…sorry…and I feel must acknowledge a few people or things…

To those whose fandoms I shamelessly borrowed, many thanks. And those included _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Star Wars, Highlander, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Darkwing Duck, Spaceballs, James Bond, Beauty and the Beast, Back to the Future, North Shore, Looney Toons, The Mummy _and_ Galaxy Quest._

Special thanks goes to: the lively bunch at mcweirdotcom, ellymelly and sini for their contribution to Immunity and Late Nights, Jersey for inspiring me to finish this story, David Nykl for putting up with me calling him "bunny boy" to his face for 48 hours aaand last but not least the kind people who read and the kinder people who reviewed.


End file.
